(posted by Payman)
Well we're back, just like we said we'd be back, and once again, we're here to tell you how to live your life. You're probably thinking, "but I'm already doing such a good job of living my life!" Really? You're spending all your time reading a blog, written by a guy who admitted he gets drunk and acts like a pterodactyl (sometimes) in
the last "Farinelli's Guide". You really think the life choices that brought you to this blog were good ones? Don't feel bad, we're not here to judge. On the contrary, Mauro, Nathan, and I are here to guide you through the many strange situations you may encounter throughout the course of living.
This week, we tackle party etiquette, and I'm not talking about those parties with all of your old buddies from back home in someone's basement. Not the kind of party where everyone knows one another and inevitably, a girl shows up who has slept with nine different guys who are also there, and you know that's the case, because when she walks in, they all start high-fiving one another and abusing the word "bro." I'm talking about the kind of swanky affair that's usually thrown by some large group (like a company), or held in a really nice hotel/lounge, and is open bar. The kind of thing where you want to walk around and meet people.
Now that I've got your attention (I had you at "bro"), let's get to it:
THE FARINELLI'S GUIDE TO PARTY ETIQUETTE
The pre-game...
Allow yourself ample time to get ready. If you feel rushed getting ready, it's going to affect your demeanor the entire night, and you're going to seem very off-putting to anyone you try to meet. Also, you might forget to do something important, like wear deodorant. If you are the smelly guy at the party, you're going to have a terrible night, and so will everyone around you. Speaking of deodorant, I would like to recommend Jack Black 'Pit Boss', because it works, and it's scentless, so it doesn't interfere with your cologne:
I use $15 deodorant because I am Persian, and smelling bad would promote a negative stereotype about Middle Eastern men. To the rest of my Persian brethren: while an entire bottle of Armani cologne is considerate, it is not a substitute for antiperspirant. You know who you are, and you are giving the rest of us a bad name...
As I was saying, make sure you have enough time to prepare for this soirée. I like to take my pre-party shower five to six hours before I plan on leaving the house. Then, I make myself a pregame drink (drink, singular) that I can sip on, usually consisting of Diet Coke and whatever liquor I have around the house. Notice that I have not put clothes on yet. This is essential. I feel like everyone should hang out naked in their towel for at least one hour after every shower, and I don't make an exception before going to a social event. Relaaaax. You've had a long day, and you have earned some lounging in your towel, sipping on Diet Coke and Sambuca, time.
While you're relaxing, put on some tunes to help you get in the mood. "The mood" meaning the mood to party. That means leave your Dashboard Confessional records in their sleeves, you're not 15 and your boyfriend didn't just break up with you. Pregame music is music that makes you feel like you are the shit. I like to watch any music video by international pop star, Gunther:
"Teeny Weeny String Bikini" by Gunther
The first verse starts out with "this is your night, everything is right, come light up the lights..." How could you not feel great after hearing such enlightened lyrics? Observe Gunther's facial expressions throughout the course of the video. That's the kind of cool confidence you need to exude at your party.
Getting dressed...
Now that you've lounged and jammed out for a bit, it's time to get off your ass and put some clothes on. Mauro wanted to issue a warning when it comes choosing your outfit: listen to the invitation. Be respectful to the host and the event. If the invite tells you to dress a certain way, do so, even if it means going outside of your comfort zone. If the invitation says black tie, you "get a goddamn tuxedo," and if it says formal, don't show up in jeans. "Don't think that because you're so-and-so the dress code doesn't apply to you," he adds. I agree, unless you want to look like Aaron Carter, showing up in acid wash jeans to the 2010 Grammy's:
Party etiquette tip: ask yourself what would Aaron Carter do? Then do the opposite.
When in doubt, err on the side of overdressing rather than looking underdressed. If you're underdressed, you'll look sloppy. If you're overdressed, it'll look like you think you're better than everyone else; which is ok, after all, you've been listening to Gunther's "Teeny Weeny String Bikini" for several hours on repeat, you probably are in a better place than anyone else there.
Once you know what the dress code is, you can plan your outfit. Similar to how we told you to dress for a blind date, you want to wear something that can start a conversation with people, but isn't overly ostentatious. My recommendation is to keep it simple, wear an outfit consisting of classic pieces that fit perfectly, and add one piece to make it pop, like a bowtie:
Your arrival...
This is where I differ with Mauro. I believe your arrival is the most important part of the evening. If there's a door, you shouldn't use the handle. Why? Door handles are for the masses, and you are not one to fall in line. Kick that son of a bitch down. Once the loud sound of you kicking the door in grabs everyone's attention, hold their attention. This can be accomplished a number of different ways. You may want to try breaking something, or grabbing someone's glass and throwing it against a wall. My personal favorite? Lighting off a series of roman candles, announcing my arrival. Basically, if you want people to know that you are in the building, you entrance should look something vaguely similar to a WWE wrestler's:
Glowing, pelvic-thrusting, and fist-pumping? This man is in the building!
Like I said, Mauro disagrees with my idea of a solid arrival. He comes from a slightly more discrete school of thought. He preaches coming in, and taking a look around the party. Scope things out, and let people take you in as well. Get noticed, and then go look for the handful of people you may know, or go strike-up conversations with people you are interesting in meeting.
In all honesty, Mauro's advice is far less likely to get you kicked out within the first twelve seconds of stepping through the door.
Drinking...
Drinking is good, it can help calm your nerves, but again, just like the blind date, you need to keep it cool. "Open bar" is not an open invitation for you to drink like one of Roland Emmerich's movies is coming true. Oh, you don't know who that is? Google him! I will guide you through life, but I will not explain my cultural references to you!
Anyway, you don't want to be the guy/girl who has too much drink and starts spilling shit on everyone. On a similar note, Mauro noted that you also don't want to be the guy who tries to pick up on the girl that is spilling shit on everyone. He adds "yeah she might be an easy target, and yeah she's probably going home with someone anyway, but come on..." Seriously, come on!
How do you avoid being "that" guy? Mauro advises that you try to stick to a drink you are comfortable with, and take it easy. His poison? Pimm's Cups:
Staring a conversation...
The boss man subscribes to the idea that you should show some confidence and not start a conversation by asking people what they do for a living or where they went to school. You're better than that. "Strike up a conversation about something that's not so shallow. I don't really care what people do or where they went to school, I want to get to know who they are as a person." Well said, Mauro.
And that's just good advice, so I won't even try to be funny.
The after party...
Like I said last week, Nathan is the master of the late night, so I turned to him for after party advice. His advice was so good, that I decided to just quote him directly:
"If you don't know where it is, you probably shouldn't go, and if you're going to attend without an invitation, you should make sure you bring a gift you don't mind sharing, like liquor, drugs (if that's your thing, but make sure they're uppers, people don't go to an after party to sleep), strippers, etc."
Don't show up to Nathan's after party empty handed!
Let it be known that any man, woman, or child, that shows up to an after party at my house with strippers in tow is more than welcome.
Nathan goes on to add that you shouldn't be a dick. You're in someone else's house and it's almost morning, so respect them, their guests, and their belongings. Don't puff your chest and try to start a fight, and certainly don't steal iPods. To the son of a bitch who stole my iPod at my party-you have very bad karma hanging over your head, but a very fine selection of 90's music in your pocket.
Finally, if you followed this guide, when you call it a night, it should be day, and you should be covered in the rich stench of a party well-done. As you make your way back home, remember this quote from one of Nathan and I's favorite films, The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down (another good guide, if I don't say so myself): "try not to hate the rest of the world as it goes about its business. Remember: it is you that is the freak."
And with that, we conclude our second Farinelli's Guide blog post. I sincerely hope that you guys are taking something away from these blog entries that we've done, and are living a fuller, richer life. If nothing else, hopefully I haven't crippled your social life beyond repair...
Labels: Farinelli's Guide, Things that are awesome
